How I Coached Carrie Bradshaw to the Love She Longed For
Last night I had the coolest dream ever. I could feel the chill of the early winter morning on my bare shoulders, grateful for the coffee mug warming my hands. The soft light of dawn began to filter in through the emerald velvet drapes signaling the start of what would be a great fucking day.
My dreams are vivid.
After coffee and meditation I picked up my phone and saw a text from my assistant about a new application. It said, “Open your email STAT! We got an app from THE Carrie Bradshaw!”
When I read the email address, cbradshaw@thenewyorkstar.com, I thought, “Huh. This is legit.” My application only has two questions.
- How do you spend your evening currently?
- What does an ideal evening routine look like?
I’ve always said, “Tell me what you do after work with your free time and I will tell you how happy and in love with life you are.”
Carrie wrote that currently after work she would go out for drinks or stay in with takeout and a bottle of wine. Either way she was thinking, “I wish Big was here.” She followed that by writing that she couldn’t stop thinking about him, the life they could’ve had and what went wrong.
She was oscillating between anger and sadness and needed it to stop so she could get on with her life.
When asked to describe the ideal, Carrie shared with me her strong desire to be with someone who would love her just as she is, neurosis and all (her words).
She wanted a partner who wasn’t afraid of commitment or communicating his feelings.
She went on to say, “I imagine after work we would get dressed for dinner and enjoy each other’s company, and the company of friends, at our favorite restaurants. Ideally we’d be able to say anything to each other and have an open dialogue about our fears, sensitivities, and our challenges.
We wouldn’t hold anything back or have any regrets. And we would come home to our place still amorous with each other after years of being together, passionate for each other and our amazing lives, which would make our sex the perfect end to another wonderful day. That’s not too much to ask for, is it??”
I immediately followed up and invited her to a new client consultation.
I kinda woke up at that point but it was one of those middle of the night moments where you’re aware of both the dream you’re having and that you’re having a dream. So I was right back in it, on a coaching call with Carrie!! I think that’s called a lucid dream.
The challenge we were discussing was her fear of being both “too much” and “not enough”.
She started out by saying, “Listen, I know I’m not like most people. I have to follow where my heart takes me so sometimes that comes off as aloof and other times it’s intense.”
Carrie continued in the way she does, passionate, childlike, a little timid but also courageous at the same time…
“I really wish I could be seen as the cosmic soul I am, doing my best to make sense of this chaotic world. When I think about my past relationships it’s like men want more from me than I know how to give and at the same time they don’t want all that I am. It’s so confusing! What’s a girl to do?”
I let Carrie know I wasn’t going to tell her what to do but I would help her clear the confusion and end self doubt so she could confidently move forward.
I heard her light up a cigarette and take a long drag, then she said, “I’m all yours, teach.”
I honestly don’t remember much after that, which is a bummer. But when I woke up and thought about the dream I realized a couple things.
- What we observe in our waking state totally filters into our subconscious mind and dream state. (I have been watching Sex and The City reruns lately and I’m amazed at how the characters are exactly like my clients.)
- Carrie’s fear of being “too much” and “not enough” is a wound that must be healed if she wants real, lasting, and soul-satisfying love.
I didn’t know how to do that until I was in my forties. I hope those of you reading this that are like Carrie (and the gals) learn it sooner rather than later.
Since I’m no longer dreaming, I’ll write the rest of this as if you were Carrie and I was coaching you to the love you long for.
If the question you want answered is, “How do I stop worrying about not being good enough or being too intense for a wonderful man?” then let’s take a deeper look at your self-esteem.
Right now you appear to have it all. You have a great job, you’re healthy and gorgeous. You have incredible style, you’re always venturing off to fabulous places and the latest new restaurants…
Your Instagram posts say it all.
But when you’re not intoxicated with men, fashion or vodka you feel empty and alone.
Is it possible that your effort to look like you’ve got it all is really a smokescreen for low self-esteem?
Maybe your mom (or someone else) taught you to fake it til you make it.
And by “make it” I mean have the perfect life with the perfect partner.
Maybe you’ve been “working on yourself” for as long as you can remember because personal growth is in style and while you’re waiting for the perfect partner, you can perfect yourself. (Because you know, you have those awful flaws you’re working really hard to fix.)
From one high achiever to another, I see you and…
STOP trying to live up to some unattainable ideal that isn’t even what you really want!
Start, instead, investigating who you really are.
When was the last time you sat alone with zero distractions and felt absolutely loved, appreciating the perfection of your life?
Not the superficial insta-perfection. The fulfillment in the moment where nothing needed to change and no one was missing…
When we talk about self-esteem we are talking about knowing our fundamental worthiness and not needing any outside validation.
If our worth is bestowed on us by virtue of our birth, why is it we struggle so hard to feel worthy?
For over twenty years I’ve been examining this with my clients and in my own life. The conclusion I’ve arrived at is, we forget.
We identify with our ego, the part of us that wants to look good and get it right. And from this perspective, we are then focused on the flaws and the pursuit of perfection.
Who we really are is sort of hidden in the depths of our soul waiting to be set free so we can feel the limitless love and happiness we were born to feel.
Because we have forgotten who we really are, and the whole world is set up to keep us distracted, we end up feeling empty and alone…even when IG says we have it all.
Here’s where the coaching comes in.
Any coach will help you with new ways of seeing your situation and strategize activities to change it.
What people like us need is a guide who has both the metaphysical means and the strategic framework to find the source of our deeper issues.
I like to say we have to cut straight to the soul of the matter and diagnose the wound in the way of our freedom and love.
When I diagnosed my Soul Wound, “I’m an ugly, disgusting, waste of time,” it could no longer hide in the shadows of my psyche waiting to be triggered…or cause my self-sabotaging coping behaviors to make me feel guilty.
So, how do we stop worrying about not being good enough or being too intense for a wonderful man?
We take our attention off the situation where perfection appears to be lacking…
and put that attention on ourselves. The soul of ourselves.
We investigate who we really are at a soul level and let the wounds we’ve been trying to fix be loved as they are.
Healing our soul wounds is the only way to be loved for all that we are.
Neurosis and all.
If I was still on that coaching call with Carrie what I would ask next is, “What happened when you were a kid and what was the (very mean) belief you made up that is still making you feel unlovable now?”
That belief, that “I am” statement, is your Soul Wound.
When we can be with ourselves with zero distractions and know our worth is not dependant on a partner or a picture perfect life we become the love that we have been longing for our whole lives.
We remember who we really are. From there, we create whatever-the-fuck we desire with ease and alignment.
Call to Action
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