Four Steps to Fix Your Sexless Marriage

If you’re high achieving but have a low libido or your partner does read this.

A stressful situation, like a health or career crisis or the birth of your baby, is the likely catalyst that shut down your desire for sex but your unconscious programming is probably the ongoing cause. Compound that with your sensitivity around intimacy, and what you end up with is living more like roommates with your partner than lovers.

Your hormones are fine. You have energy, right? You eat well and exercise? You take care of yourself and would notice if something systemic were off, yes? Ya. It’s not your body… It’s your beliefs.

Specifically, what I mean is it’s your beliefs about yourself and the circumstances that are creating the undesirable situation called a sexless marriage.

The catalyst, or what I call a triggering event, may be what you’re focused on. Thinking, “When I can get this under control then I can start looking deeper into what’s going on with me.”

Sorry, boo, but you got it backwards.

I know it feels like you can’t possibly put yourself first right now. The challenge is real. But the way to overcome this challenge is to put YOU at the center of your life. Stay with me and I’ll show you what I mean.

The reality is there’s a deeply held, yet unconscious, belief about yourself that is in need of healing. You could call this your “programming,” I call it a soul wound. The good news: this is the basecamp of your spiritual journey.

The job of the soul wound is to help you evolve.

You’ve called this crisis to you. We call forth such a crisis when we’re truly ready to learn, heal, and grow.

A crisis is needed because it provokes our soul wound and stirs all the feelings associated with it. You know, the stuff we normally try to avoid. During a crisis we do one of two things, we either break down and stay down or we break down and break through.

Breaking through means healing.

So while the crisis itself sucks, it is necessary for your evolution.

The breakthrough (healing) occurs when you’re able to see the soul wound for what it is, you let yourself feel the feelings (instead of avoiding them), you give yourself grace and reintegrate the cast-offs, and you restate the facts.

The thing about being a high achieving, highly sensitive person is we got good at rationalizing our feelings so we could get shit done. Our ability to read the room and become what’s needed in the moment is great for our professional success.

But our sensitivities can also blind us to the deeper issues lurking within and they become a hurdle to happiness when it comes to matters of the heart.

How?

• We have normalized feeling stressed and anxious. So we don’t recognize there’s a problem.
• We have developed extraordinary coping skills. We are proud problem solvers but this “ego-driven strategy” takes our focus away from the source of the situation.
• We think there’s something fundamentally wrong with us or that we’re “damaged.” This is mostly unconscious but it’s there. You know what I’m talking about.

So let’s talk about your sex drive.

Sex Magic — How to get your sex drive back.

If you’re ready to put yourself first and heal the deeply held beliefs that are perpetuating the breakdown in your marriage, here are four steps that will help you right now. To explore your struggle more in depth, you can attend my no-cost relationship session.

STEP ONE

See it for what it is. The situation is not the issue. Your soul wound is what’s causing you to shut down.

When there’s a crisis, we shut off all unnecessary parts of ourselves so we can deal with the event causing chaos. The first thing to go is our sex. Buh-bye sex drive.

Stressful event = sexual shutdown.

This makes sense biologically. If you’re being chased by a man-eating saber-toothed tiger it’s not helpful to be horny. You need that sexual energy to run like hell to safety. Thanks nature, for our autonomic nervous system!

The problem comes when you’re safe from danger and you’re still in ‘fight or flight’ and still shut down sexually.

You might have chronic stress to blame or you might not know how to break free of your patterned shutdown behaviors. Or it may have been so long ago that you saw yourself and your partner as sexual that you’ve buried your hot button.

No matter which of these is true, the very first thing to do is get a grip on your perspective. The situation is not the issue your soul wound is.

So WTF is a soul wound?

A soul wound is something we all have. It’s a statement you made up when you were around five years old. And you’ve lived your whole life repeating it as if it were true. The thing is, it’s a lie.

But it feels so real and it’s so deeply embedded you would swear it’s true!

It’s tricky, too. Because as much as you subconsciously believe this statement to be true, you’ve also spent your entire life trying to prove it’s not. And yet, the evidence would indicate that it is. Tricky fucker.

Note I said subconsciously.

The subconscious mind is the realm of the soul. This is the birthplace of our emotions and the storehouse of our perceptions.

What resides in the subconscious mind informs the conscious mind, that which assesses the five-sensory data and organizes it in two main categories, Good or Bad.

The thing is, the soul wound (identity statement) is like a pair of yellow tinted glasses, as long as it's there, everything we experience with our 5 senses is colored by it. And we don’t even know it.

Collectively, our soul wound is something like, “I’m not good enough.” Individually, it’s more specific. And meaner. Something like, “I’m an ugly disgusting waste of time.” That, or something equally as gut wrenching.

You’ll know you found your soul wound when you’re in tears and feel like you’ve been punched in the gut.

Soul wound healing is the foundation and essence of my body of work. Being in the business of intimacy for 25 years means I’ve learned about our deepest fears and our unexpressed desires.

Being highly sensitive and empathic means I not only understand people’s pain and frustration, I feel it. Add to that my child-like curiosity and personal desire to heal myself and well, I’ve plunged the depth of our human being-ness and what I’ve uncovered is the treasure I call the soul wound.

Our soul wound is our greatest teacher.

You received this unique-to-you wound when you were young so you could learn who you are, use your power to heal, and evolve as a human being. The soul wound is buried pain inside of you that is waiting for your attention.

It gets provoked when something upsetting happens.

If you find yourself shut down, especially sexually, or striking back (erupting in anger and defensiveness) you’ve been triggered. Now would be a great time to look at the deeper issue, the soul wound, that is calling for you to learn, heal, and grow.

STEP TWO

Feel the feelings associated with the wound. We’ve already established that the situation is not the issue, your soul wound is. Soul wounds come with attached feelings and stories. It’s time to be with the feelings that got triggered. Your feelings are the keys to healing.

Normally, we attempt to avoid the uncomfortable feelings or sensations in our body. We do things to numb them like watch tv, eat comfort foods, drink, smoke, take drugs, and so on. Sensitive people are especially adept at this. We’ve been numbing out to fit in our whole lives.

I’m suggesting we lean into those uncomfortable feelings (for once) instead.

Try this.

Sit still (or walk around depending on the energy you’re feeling) and tune your awareness to your body. Where do you feel the sensation? Try describing it either out loud or in a journal.

Talk to the feeling. Yes, for real.

Here’s an example of what I mean. Let’s say you had an argument with your partner (again) about the ongoing lack of sex. You’re afraid his patience is wearing thin but you have no sex drive and you’re stressed about the kids or work or whatever. You are sick of having this same conversation but you know something has to change and you’re scared of what that means.

Try to let the story (thought energy) descend from your head into a feeling in your body.

Where do you feel this in your body?

Ask your body, “What is this feeling?” Don’t go back to your head where the story is, stay in the feeling/emotion conversation.

The answer might be fear of losing my family.

Now ask the feeling (fear in this case), “What are you telling me?”

Let your body and intuition answer you. It might say “I don’t feel safe.”

The next thing to do, if you’re able, is to let the feeling consume you until it dissipates of its own accord.

This process usually takes a loving and skilled guide to get through effectively but once you do, your power returns. You are no longer at the mercy of your emotions. You no longer have to shut down (or strike back) to protect yourself.

Your sex drive no longer has to be held hostage.

You can start to deal with the real issue, your soul wound, that has been hiding in the shadows causing you low-grade stress and anxiety for years.

Of course, this is best done with professional guidance so be sure to reach out to me or someone who knows how to navigate these emotional wounds effectively.

STEP THREE

Give yourself grace and reintegrate the cast-offs. Cast-offs are the parts of yourself you have determined are unlovable, unacceptable, and unwelcome.

Once you’ve softened the intensity of the pain (anger, anxiety, fear, etc) by feeling it and assessing its purpose you’re better able to begin reclaiming the parts of you formerly cast off.

This is the time for self forgiveness…and self love.

What about yourself would you rather keep hidden? Love that.

What about your past are you terrified someone will find out? Forgive it.

What secret have you been keeping all these years? Acknowledge it.

What about your body do you think is ugly or disgusting? Accept it.

The point here is to LOVE the parts of you, your body, and your past that you couldn’t bare to have exposed.

The goal is unconditional self love. Now is the time to recognize that you and only you can give yourself the love you long for from the other person. This is what I mean by putting YOU at the center of your life.

Not only will you make massive strides in healing your hidden self-sabotaging beliefs, you will also demonstrate to the ones you love how to care for themselves.

You have a daughter? She has a soul wound, too. Show her how to put herself first. Demonstrate what unconditional self-love looks like. Don’t you wish you would’ve had this modeled for you when you were her age?

Ya. Me too.

Try to investigate the rest of your soul wound. It’s there to teach you how to return to wholeness so whatever you’ve deemed unworthy about yourself, it’s time to embrace it and reintegrate it.

Think about the word “healed”, it’s related to the word “whole” and “holy”.

Your wound is a spiritual one. Part of your spiritual journey is to love yourself unconditionally. And by that, I mean you gotta get down with the parts of you that you think are ugly, disgusting, and all-together unlovable and LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.

STEP FOUR

Restate the facts. Here’s the part where you get to reprogram your beliefs about yourself.

Earlier I said the soul wound comes with an attached story. The story is something you told yourself about yourself as a child and you have believed it to be true and factual all these years, subconsciously of course.

Don’t you think it’s high time you put that bitch of a belief to bed and get your facts straight?

To illustrate this step I’ll use my unique soul wound, “I’m and ugly, disgusting waste of time.” You would use your specific soul wound statement to do this step. (Oh, and if you want to learn what your unique soul wound is, join me here.)

“I’m an ugly, disgusting waste of time.” That’s some pretty harsh shit. And it’s been a subconscious belief (aka buried pain) impacting my conscious thoughts and behaviors since childhood.

Ouch.

As a woman on a mission to heal myself and help others do the same, it would certainly be more productive to have powerful (not painful) subconscious beliefs.

Restating the facts and reminding myself of the truth of who I am is one way to do that.

Here’s what I’m going with: “I’m a beautiful magnetic woman people love to be with.”

The story you told yourself about yourself way-back-when was made up. This statement is made up, too. Why not go with the one that feels better and is productive?

Ok. Your turn. Use these four steps to turn your crisis into the catalyst for your extraordinary relationship. I believe this is how we heal our wounds and become the conscious loving creatures we’re capable of being. I believe this is how we turn our breakdowns into breakthroughs.

If each of us accepted individual responsibility for our own well-being, joy and ability to love, imagine what our relationships would be like. Imagine what our world would be like.

That possibility is what drives me to continuously develop myself and help my clients get their magic back.

For those of us who seek learning, healing, and growth we oftentimes get stuck on the HOW. We look to the latest health trend or remedy or scientific data to tell us what’s wrong with us. When all there is to do is tune our radar to our body’s messaging system — our emotions.

Sensitive people have an advantage over everyone else when it comes to emotions. We feel them intensely but we aren’t listening to then intently.

Master your sensitivities and watch the healing begin.

Before you go searching for more how-tos, my suggestion is to figure out the WHAT first. What is your unique soul wound? What parts of you have you deemed unlovable? What is the emotion that gets triggered when something happens? That something can be an argument with your partner, an issue with your kid, or sex talk with the girls.

Heal your soul wound and watch the sex magic happen.

Conclusion

If you’re generally healthy and in a solid relationship but haven’t had sex in forever, it’s not your body (or your hormones) it’s your beliefs. Your self-sabotaging beliefs are the result of your soul wound. Don’t freak out, everyone has one. It’s the impetus of your spiritual evolution. Just follow the four steps, See it for what it is, Feel the feelings, Reintegrate the cast-offs, and Restate the facts to turn your sexless situation into the thing that heals you at a soul level.

Note: It’s important to understand that there are absolutely no quick fixes for the issues we face. This article is meant as a step in the direction you desire. By no means am I suggesting all you have to do is read this article and you’re good to go. Other things to consider are communication, your partner’s role in the situation, and likely many other finer points. My intent here is to give you an altogether different approach than the ones you may have considered, the ones that focus on fixing something that’s wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you and you are not damaged. You’re human and you have a soul wound. Let’s start with that.

Call to Action

If you feel stuck in a sexless marriage and want to tackle this issue right away, CLICK HERE to apply for a no-cost consultation.